by Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
Upon discovery of infidelity there is often a strong need to know the details. What happened? When? Where? Why? etc. The reasons for these questions are examined in my first article on this subject: "Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong."
You have the need to know, but his/her lips are sealed or walks away, ignores or bypasses your questions, puts it back on you, denies or does other numbers on you to keep you away from knowing what really happened. There are predictable reasons why this happens. Here's some of them:
1. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I don't want to say no" affair. Your partner probably is a person wrapped up in his own ego, personal needs, and life style. He can rationalize the behavior and actually come to the conclusion that he is entitled to get his needs met this way. After all, he is such a magnanimous person! Bottom line: your needs and concerns really don't matter! He doesn't want to talk about them and sees absolutely no reason to get "bogged down" in what is important to you.
2. Your spouse/partner is involved in an "I can't say no" affair. Your partner finds it painfully difficult to respond to your need to know out of shame and guilt. She sees, at one level, her actions becoming more and more destructive and degrading and believes, again at an unspoken level usually, that she has less and less control over her actions. Guilt and shame follow the infidelity with self-promises to break off the behavior. However, these promises are usually broken. She is ashamed for you to know this struggle.
3. Your partner/spouse is involved in a "revenge" affair. He wants you to squirm. This may not be front and center in his consciousness, but just below the surface is some resentment and anger, for whatever reason, aimed in your direction. He thinks: "Hmmmm this is payback time. Good. Now she knows what it's like to be on the receiving end. I'll continue this for a while...and secretly enjoy her torment. I won't give her the satisfaction of responding in a caring way to her needs."
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
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