Relief from Marital Infidelity: Knowing exactly the Kind of Affair You Face

Most people I coach who have an affair in their marriage are scared. This is the bottom line. They are terrified - of losing their family, of facing the unknown, of their world falling apart - and believe they have no control.
I want to help you understand EXACTLY what you are up against and to know EXACTLY what you can do to turn the tide of the affair.
You find relief and confidence in knowing what faces you. Hear how some people are helped by knowing what's in front of them:
I learned that the kind of affair I was facing and that it was not my FAULT. I also practical strategies to get my life going.
....has helped me pick my path, so to speak, of what I will (and will not) do next. Laura
Although all of type #4 seems to fit my situation like a glove, I highlighted the most strongest points that apply there as well. And I must tell you, it was shocking when I first read #4, it was as if you were a fly on the wall during this whole thing. It's scary to think that other people in the world have experienced the same thing. I thought it was just her doing it to me.
Do you know what kind of affair faces you? Yes, affairs are certainly different. Here are the 7 kinds I outline. I'll give you the title and very brief description of each:
1. My Marriage Made Me Do It
Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: "I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We've grown apart. I can't stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened."
2. I Can't Say No
People can't say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it. Some have many "unconscious" tugs and pulls that lead to an affair. They are "stuck" and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the "no." Please remember that all of us are "grabbed" by something and find it difficult to let go. One's history, personal development and internal blocks play a role here.
3. I Don't Want to Say No
Some people just don't want to say no, and they believe they don't have to say no. The older term of "philanderer" applies. Their relationships are marked by a series of sexual conquests, and that's what they basically are - nothing more than the thrill of the score.
4. I Feel Out of Love (and just love being in love)
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, "falling out of love" and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to "recapture" those feelings. This person has found a "significant other" who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again "feels in love." They are determined not to "settle" for a less than ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
5. I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
This is the revenge affair. It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one's spouse.
6. I Need to Prove My Desirability
Let's face it: Most of us are on pretty shaky grounds when it comes to our sexuality. Look at the models before us on TV, the big screens and magazines. Geezzz-louise, how is anyone ever to feel as if they measure up or are desirable? Also, a key in a marriage is the degree to which someone feels wanted. I want to be wanted. After "familiarity" sets into a marriage, self-doubts are easily rekindled. (A key component of "being in love" is the giddy feeling of thinking I am deeply wanted or adored. If one does not understand the stages of marital growth or lacks a core sense of self from which to live, he/she becomes prey to confusion and disenchantment.)
7. I Want to Be Close to Someone (which means I can't stand intimacy)
A marriage or relationship of investment is a dance - a dance of joining and distancing. A couple moves close with the purpose of joining and being one and after a fashion moves apart to claim their own space and uniqueness. Usually we choose or are attracted to someone with the same comfort zone in the distance/joining continuum or with a similar capacity for joining and/or distancing. The couple does their dance to balance the pull for joining and the push for individual space and expression. Intimacy is the capacity to talk about and the freedom to move between joining and individual expression. Someone has an affair because ostensibly they say that want to be close to someone. However, a relationship with a third party is NEVER intimate, but may serve the purpose for that person of never having to be intimate with anyone, although someone may feel close. Got this!?
Pinpoint the affair in the middle of your life and begin to feel the relief and power as you truly understand the reasons for the affair.
In my ebook, Break Free From the Affair, I go on to break apart each kind of affair in terms of:
•Key Points•Characteristics of the person who engages in that kind of affair.•What can I expect will happen?•Will they live happily ever after?•What are the odds of saving the marriage?•Do you really want to save the marriage?•What you can specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage
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